I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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