I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I think I won the penis lottery.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
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