Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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