that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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