Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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