Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
