My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
