I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
This baby is an asshole
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
