New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
