Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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