You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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