I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
