Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
