she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
