If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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