I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
