she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
