Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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