My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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