it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
is that a dick in a sweater?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
