she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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