I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
