i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
