I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
