My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
