you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
