my phone needs a breathalizer
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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