she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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