She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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