It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
