I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize