Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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