I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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