It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize