My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
