I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
