my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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