I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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