i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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