I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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