used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
