I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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