either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
