I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
