I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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