Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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