went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
