so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you win again, gameday.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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