oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
