you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
The air taste purple.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
