just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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