were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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