i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
