u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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