I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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