i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
So here I am, sexting at work.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
