do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
