Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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