She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
